Writing out your Premise sentence is an exercise you should be doing periodically through your writing process, to make sure you’re remembering the SPINE of your story.
Here is my premise. Do you think I need to add more about my protagonist?
When an American Christian is captured by the North Korean government, an unemployed knife-thrower embarks on a perilous journey across the globe to rescue the prisoner and prevent an international crisis
Nannette, yes, that would be exactly what I'd recommend clarifying. Because you've already established her in a first book, it's important to come up with a phrase that clearly conveys her essence.
I know I said that this premise sentence is just for you! — but when you have a series character, you want to have worked out a clear description of your lead that you can use in descriptions and promotions as its own hook into the story. Do you see what I mean?
Calling her an unemployed knife thrower doesn't quite capture her superhero essence. (Not literal superhero, but you know what I'm saying.)
Also, as I remember, your series has this interesting Da Vinci Code edge that is not exactly modern reality, right? I would want you to work that into your premise eventually!
But the threat and the stakes are coming through well - powerful and topical!
Hi Alexandra. Thanks for your help with this. I tie myself in knots. I hope this is closer to a premise than the last ramble: When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, must trick a narcissistic immortal despot into believing he loves her like a devoted son in order to discover her achilles' heel and defeat her before she destroys the whole world.
Deborah, that is a MUCH clearer premise! What you've detailed is a much more intimate story than what you have been talking about — but from that premise, it sounds much more compelling. It seems similar (in a great way) to the great SPIRITED AWAY.
Have you moved away from the Games that you were using as the central action, then?
Because it's still not very clear HOW he plans to trick her, but if this story is now more of a relationship struggle between him and her, I have some suggestions on how you can work with that.
Hi Alexandra, I've been struggling to figure out how to weave in my conservation theme, and my lovely hyenas, and come up with a premise that is clear and straight for Protagonist, Thorn. And yes I have ditched the Games, which is probably why I've been struggling to figure out what to fill my middle with so it doesn't go soggy. I would be grateful for your suggestions on how I can work with a relationship struggle, as my antagonist, Yellow Toadstool, wants to be loved, but has no idea what love is, and I'm thinking Thorn being captured by her could be very useful. Meanwhile, after a windy walk in a Northumberland field, I think I may have found a clearer path at last. A bit of background: Yellow Toadstool was created by the Moon Hare Creator by mistake. Exhausted, after having created a perfect earth, animals, plants and five tribes of humans designed to live together in harmony and peace, the Hare is in a hurry to go home to the moon and sleep for a thousand years and poops out a nasty egg mess. The poop, woven out of immortal waste and moon dust wasn't a problem at first, until it was enlivened by human blood. The Moon Hare creates, and does not destroy, so Thorn discovers He has no idea how to get rid of Yellow Toadstool, other than to suggest that, as she began as excrement, that's how she must end. This is where the hyenas come into the plan! So my new premise, that feels better to me, is this:
When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, goes in search of the Moon Hare, creator of all life, to beg Him to destroy an inexplicable narcissistic despot who’s destroying all life on earth, and surely should never have been created.
I would be very grateful for your comments. Always! Deb xx
Okay, these two premise sentences take the same set of characters but outline two VERY different lines of action. Each of them is perfectly valid and workable. But you need to choose one of them and stick with it.
Because you are dealing with a complex and not well-known set of folklore, my very strong recommendation is that you not go any further with this until you have made a clear, conscious decision about what core story you are telling.
And you need to tell it using a universally familiar story pattern. So that even though people will likely be unfamiliar with your characters and story world, they will instantly recognize the story pattern.
(Classic story patterns are Cinderella; the Mysterious Stranger (or Knight Errant); the MacGuffin Story; One Last Job; Oops – Wrong Brother; A Star is Born, etc.)
This first premise, as you wrote it, is a classic Fairy Tale pattern:
————When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, must trick a narcissistic immortal despot into believing he loves her like a devoted son in order to discover her achilles' heel and defeat her before she destroys the whole world.
If this were the story you chose, you could use a common fairy tale pattern like the Three-Task structure (as in Pan’s Labyrinth) or an Indentured Servant structure (as in Spirited Away).
Your second premise, which you say you prefer, is a Road Trip/Hero’s Journey structure:
——— When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, goes in search of the Moon Hare, creator of all life, to beg Him to destroy an inexplicable narcissistic despot who’s destroying all life on earth, and surely should never have been created.
This is pretty much the exact structure of The Wizard of Oz. Which is excellent for you, because it’s one of the most recognizable story patterns in dramatic storytelling. You could literally take the story outline of The Wizard of Oz, and use it as the outline of your story, creating your own scenes to correspond with the scenes and turning points of The Wizard of Oz.
Because your characters and situations will be entirely different, your readers are not going to think, “Hey, this is The Wizard of Oz!” Because yeah, it’s The Wizard of Oz— but it’s also Star Wars (Episode 4), and Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring), and the first Matrix, etc. It is a universal story pattern.
Instead of thinking, “I’ve seen this before, not interested,” your readers will somewhere in the back of their mind, probably not even consciously, be thinking, “Oh, I know this one!” and settle happily in.
I would like you to think about all of what I just wrote and see if it resonates with you. And then I think we should continue this conversation on the Circle board instead of here.
Hi Alexandra, in truth I don't know where my first premise came from! I like it, but my second premise fits the story I want to tell, so I am sticking with that. The Wizard of Oz structure would be so helpful. Thank you. I'm new to substack, so I'm not sure where the Circle board is. Can you help me with that, so we continue this conversation in the right place??
I'll copy these last couple of posts to that thread for reference, and we can talk there about how to use The Wizard of Oz structure to guide your rewrite. I'll include a link to download a full breakdown of the movie!
Hi Alex,
Here is my premise. Do you think I need to add more about my protagonist?
When an American Christian is captured by the North Korean government, an unemployed knife-thrower embarks on a perilous journey across the globe to rescue the prisoner and prevent an international crisis
Nannette, yes, that would be exactly what I'd recommend clarifying. Because you've already established her in a first book, it's important to come up with a phrase that clearly conveys her essence.
I know I said that this premise sentence is just for you! — but when you have a series character, you want to have worked out a clear description of your lead that you can use in descriptions and promotions as its own hook into the story. Do you see what I mean?
Calling her an unemployed knife thrower doesn't quite capture her superhero essence. (Not literal superhero, but you know what I'm saying.)
Also, as I remember, your series has this interesting Da Vinci Code edge that is not exactly modern reality, right? I would want you to work that into your premise eventually!
But the threat and the stakes are coming through well - powerful and topical!
Hi Alexandra. Thanks for your help with this. I tie myself in knots. I hope this is closer to a premise than the last ramble: When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, must trick a narcissistic immortal despot into believing he loves her like a devoted son in order to discover her achilles' heel and defeat her before she destroys the whole world.
Deborah, that is a MUCH clearer premise! What you've detailed is a much more intimate story than what you have been talking about — but from that premise, it sounds much more compelling. It seems similar (in a great way) to the great SPIRITED AWAY.
Have you moved away from the Games that you were using as the central action, then?
Because it's still not very clear HOW he plans to trick her, but if this story is now more of a relationship struggle between him and her, I have some suggestions on how you can work with that.
Hi Alexandra, I've been struggling to figure out how to weave in my conservation theme, and my lovely hyenas, and come up with a premise that is clear and straight for Protagonist, Thorn. And yes I have ditched the Games, which is probably why I've been struggling to figure out what to fill my middle with so it doesn't go soggy. I would be grateful for your suggestions on how I can work with a relationship struggle, as my antagonist, Yellow Toadstool, wants to be loved, but has no idea what love is, and I'm thinking Thorn being captured by her could be very useful. Meanwhile, after a windy walk in a Northumberland field, I think I may have found a clearer path at last. A bit of background: Yellow Toadstool was created by the Moon Hare Creator by mistake. Exhausted, after having created a perfect earth, animals, plants and five tribes of humans designed to live together in harmony and peace, the Hare is in a hurry to go home to the moon and sleep for a thousand years and poops out a nasty egg mess. The poop, woven out of immortal waste and moon dust wasn't a problem at first, until it was enlivened by human blood. The Moon Hare creates, and does not destroy, so Thorn discovers He has no idea how to get rid of Yellow Toadstool, other than to suggest that, as she began as excrement, that's how she must end. This is where the hyenas come into the plan! So my new premise, that feels better to me, is this:
When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, goes in search of the Moon Hare, creator of all life, to beg Him to destroy an inexplicable narcissistic despot who’s destroying all life on earth, and surely should never have been created.
I would be very grateful for your comments. Always! Deb xx
Okay, these two premise sentences take the same set of characters but outline two VERY different lines of action. Each of them is perfectly valid and workable. But you need to choose one of them and stick with it.
Because you are dealing with a complex and not well-known set of folklore, my very strong recommendation is that you not go any further with this until you have made a clear, conscious decision about what core story you are telling.
And you need to tell it using a universally familiar story pattern. So that even though people will likely be unfamiliar with your characters and story world, they will instantly recognize the story pattern.
(Classic story patterns are Cinderella; the Mysterious Stranger (or Knight Errant); the MacGuffin Story; One Last Job; Oops – Wrong Brother; A Star is Born, etc.)
This first premise, as you wrote it, is a classic Fairy Tale pattern:
————When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, must trick a narcissistic immortal despot into believing he loves her like a devoted son in order to discover her achilles' heel and defeat her before she destroys the whole world.
If this were the story you chose, you could use a common fairy tale pattern like the Three-Task structure (as in Pan’s Labyrinth) or an Indentured Servant structure (as in Spirited Away).
Your second premise, which you say you prefer, is a Road Trip/Hero’s Journey structure:
——— When the five tribes of humans on earth are slaughtered, a surviving young hunter, self-effacing and guilt-ridden, goes in search of the Moon Hare, creator of all life, to beg Him to destroy an inexplicable narcissistic despot who’s destroying all life on earth, and surely should never have been created.
This is pretty much the exact structure of The Wizard of Oz. Which is excellent for you, because it’s one of the most recognizable story patterns in dramatic storytelling. You could literally take the story outline of The Wizard of Oz, and use it as the outline of your story, creating your own scenes to correspond with the scenes and turning points of The Wizard of Oz.
Because your characters and situations will be entirely different, your readers are not going to think, “Hey, this is The Wizard of Oz!” Because yeah, it’s The Wizard of Oz— but it’s also Star Wars (Episode 4), and Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring), and the first Matrix, etc. It is a universal story pattern.
Instead of thinking, “I’ve seen this before, not interested,” your readers will somewhere in the back of their mind, probably not even consciously, be thinking, “Oh, I know this one!” and settle happily in.
I would like you to think about all of what I just wrote and see if it resonates with you. And then I think we should continue this conversation on the Circle board instead of here.
Hi Alexandra, in truth I don't know where my first premise came from! I like it, but my second premise fits the story I want to tell, so I am sticking with that. The Wizard of Oz structure would be so helpful. Thank you. I'm new to substack, so I'm not sure where the Circle board is. Can you help me with that, so we continue this conversation in the right place??
Great, I'm glad that makes sense to you!
The Circle board is the one you've been posting on for the workshop!
Here's the link to the Rewriting thread. https://screenwriting-tricks-for-authors.circle.so/c/finishing-and-rewriting/
I'll copy these last couple of posts to that thread for reference, and we can talk there about how to use The Wizard of Oz structure to guide your rewrite. I'll include a link to download a full breakdown of the movie!
Dang. How did you know this was exactly what I needed to read today? Thank you.
Hello, lovely! So nice to have you pop up! You're welcome, and how the hell are you?
For everyone - here’s a post on more Story Structure Patterns: https://alexandrasokoloff.substack.com/p/working-with-story-structure-patterns