I always find it useful revisiting your excellent advice on premise sentences. I would love feedback on mine:
When an alien creature attacks a remote science base on a what was supposed to be a lifeless planet, a 12-year-old girl who knows more about cats than survival must make a dangerous journey alone across the lethal landscape in order to rescue the people she loves from a bizarre and powerful enemy who wants to eradicate humans from its home.
What a compelling storyline, Emily! I get a very clear idea of your book from that colorful premise. You've worked in your heroine's special skills, the villain, the stakes, the plan and destination.
She's somewhere outside the science base for some reason, right? And has to get back to the base? I wasn't exactly clear about where she was during the attack but that's not important if this is a premise just for you. If it's going out on submission, then I would clarify.
It's always helpful to find an adjective to describe your protagonist - it adds only one or two words and can really help to define personality.
Finding just one or two words to sum up your protagonist is really useful in the writing of a character and lifesaving when everyone is asking you for blurbs of different lengths!
This has been super helpful! I have spent some time thinking about it and then attempted to write my own! I'd love your feedback... (This is just for me at the moment.)
"When the brutally mutilated bodies of kidnap victims start appearing in public places in Edinburgh and the Revenant community are blamed, a 300 year-old Revenant must discover who is behind the brutal murders before her whole community is eradicated forever."
Hi Heather! That's a very good roadmap for you of the action line of your story. Concise and readable for other people, too. Of course, when you use it for submissions, you'll want to get in some well-chosen descriptive words - first about your protagonist (and this is a good exercise for everyone- to distill a character's personality into one or two words).
And then you have the paranormal/supernatural challenge of concisely describing the alternate WORLD of your story! I always suggest that writers in those genres use the sentence: "In a world where ————" and fill in the blank with a short description of your world.
I love Edinburgh as a backdrop for this, btw. All kinds of things creep out of those closes at night.
Love how the Premise structure seems to guide a 3 act structure too! As for the ‘But Not a Mystery’ caveat: How much of the mystery should a Premise / Logline reveal to a Producer audience if there’s a twist (at midpoint) nobody should see coming? I find some examples in the wild to be too vague / teaser-y, and others should have a spoiler alert disclaimer:) Thanks
Andrei, I'm so glad you noticed this: "The Premise structure seems to guide a 3 act structure too!" - YES. Exactly!
If you're submitting to a producer, agent, or editor your logline should NOT hold back a twist. Much later, in the marketing, the logline can be more mysterious. I hate spoilers as much as anyone, but producers want to know these things up front. Does that answer the question you were asking?
Absolutely answers my question, thank you, Alexandra! I’ve perhaps tried to be too ‘intrigue-the-read’ in my approach. Understand that needs to happen ASAP, so, as you say, their own mind fills with all the conflict and transformation The Premise promises. Thanks again!
Alexandra, took your template for a spin on a folk-horror short.
When a struggling immigrant couple inherits a farm, a coat of arms,
and a noble bloodline in rural B.C., they're certain they’ve
found their second chance. But beneath the surface of prosperity
lies a gruesome ancestral ritual — and the couple is destined to
take their place at the center of it.
Craft Q: In your “premise = plan” approach, do you keep that exact sentence in pitch docs (loglines/decks), or do you shape a separate sales logline? In other words, is the writer’s premise (navigation tool) different from the market-facing one (positioning + hook)? If so, what do you usually add or swap?
"As pressures on their campus escalate, three smart, funny, and exhausted female professors start to push back on their male colleagues' behavior in order to preserve their careers and their sanity."
(Group protagonist--I've been watching 9 to 5, First Wives Club, Terrible Bosses for structure and inspiration.)
I always find it useful revisiting your excellent advice on premise sentences. I would love feedback on mine:
When an alien creature attacks a remote science base on a what was supposed to be a lifeless planet, a 12-year-old girl who knows more about cats than survival must make a dangerous journey alone across the lethal landscape in order to rescue the people she loves from a bizarre and powerful enemy who wants to eradicate humans from its home.
What a compelling storyline, Emily! I get a very clear idea of your book from that colorful premise. You've worked in your heroine's special skills, the villain, the stakes, the plan and destination.
She's somewhere outside the science base for some reason, right? And has to get back to the base? I wasn't exactly clear about where she was during the attack but that's not important if this is a premise just for you. If it's going out on submission, then I would clarify.
It's always helpful to find an adjective to describe your protagonist - it adds only one or two words and can really help to define personality.
Well done!
Thank you! That points me towards a couple of areas I definitely need to clarify, especially around the protagonist's character.
Finding just one or two words to sum up your protagonist is really useful in the writing of a character and lifesaving when everyone is asking you for blurbs of different lengths!
This has been super helpful! I have spent some time thinking about it and then attempted to write my own! I'd love your feedback... (This is just for me at the moment.)
"When the brutally mutilated bodies of kidnap victims start appearing in public places in Edinburgh and the Revenant community are blamed, a 300 year-old Revenant must discover who is behind the brutal murders before her whole community is eradicated forever."
Hi Heather! That's a very good roadmap for you of the action line of your story. Concise and readable for other people, too. Of course, when you use it for submissions, you'll want to get in some well-chosen descriptive words - first about your protagonist (and this is a good exercise for everyone- to distill a character's personality into one or two words).
And then you have the paranormal/supernatural challenge of concisely describing the alternate WORLD of your story! I always suggest that writers in those genres use the sentence: "In a world where ————" and fill in the blank with a short description of your world.
I love Edinburgh as a backdrop for this, btw. All kinds of things creep out of those closes at night.
Thanks Alex!
Some great points for me to consider there. (I can now see why you say to keep a document with different length loglines/action lines.)
Setting the book in Edinburgh also gives me a GREAT excuse for a research trip 😉
It sure does! Let me know when you're here.
It'll be the week after Bloody Scotland – day to be decided!
This is so helpful! Thank you.
Always welcome, Gwen!
Love how the Premise structure seems to guide a 3 act structure too! As for the ‘But Not a Mystery’ caveat: How much of the mystery should a Premise / Logline reveal to a Producer audience if there’s a twist (at midpoint) nobody should see coming? I find some examples in the wild to be too vague / teaser-y, and others should have a spoiler alert disclaimer:) Thanks
Andrei, I'm so glad you noticed this: "The Premise structure seems to guide a 3 act structure too!" - YES. Exactly!
If you're submitting to a producer, agent, or editor your logline should NOT hold back a twist. Much later, in the marketing, the logline can be more mysterious. I hate spoilers as much as anyone, but producers want to know these things up front. Does that answer the question you were asking?
Absolutely answers my question, thank you, Alexandra! I’ve perhaps tried to be too ‘intrigue-the-read’ in my approach. Understand that needs to happen ASAP, so, as you say, their own mind fills with all the conflict and transformation The Premise promises. Thanks again!
Alexandra, took your template for a spin on a folk-horror short.
When a struggling immigrant couple inherits a farm, a coat of arms,
and a noble bloodline in rural B.C., they're certain they’ve
found their second chance. But beneath the surface of prosperity
lies a gruesome ancestral ritual — and the couple is destined to
take their place at the center of it.
Craft Q: In your “premise = plan” approach, do you keep that exact sentence in pitch docs (loglines/decks), or do you shape a separate sales logline? In other words, is the writer’s premise (navigation tool) different from the market-facing one (positioning + hook)? If so, what do you usually add or swap?
Thanks!
"As pressures on their campus escalate, three smart, funny, and exhausted female professors start to push back on their male colleagues' behavior in order to preserve their careers and their sanity."
(Group protagonist--I've been watching 9 to 5, First Wives Club, Terrible Bosses for structure and inspiration.)
Have at it!